literature

Obama: E True Hollywood Story

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Published: Nov 5, 2008

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Literature Text

^{Once upon a time in a land oh-so far away, a legend was born. A man with a past. A woman with no future. A plumber with an inch of crack. In a tremendous bang a baby was born, under the name AfroChickensWatahmelons. The world was against him. Life hated him.

Or so he thought.

AfroChickensWatahmelons was a brutha from da hood; givin' words to yo mothas all day and night. But the life of a Brutha Brutha Fo Futha was not the one for him. He wanted to rule the world with an iron fist- a black one that is (if you know what I mean). So he stole himself a new car, picked himself up a bucket of KF- mutha slappin- C and got on the road.

But in order to erase the memories of the dark (if you know what I mean) past, he had to change his name. AfroChickensWatahmelons's role model was Brock- a hero with squinty eyes and nowhere to run. So he adapted the name. But AfroChickensWatahmelons had only got an education at the Whitey School of Pikup Trukz and Pork Rinz so the spelling didn't come out right. He needed a cool last name so he threw some scrabble tiles he found in Plumber Joe's butt track against the wall and used that as a last name.

BUT WHAT ABOUT A MIDDLE NAME?!

In da hood there were no last names so it was time for him to fill the space that had been missing in his life. But what would it be?

Someone cool. Someone influential. Someone with the wind in their beard and a dump in their pants. Then it hit him like a ton of well-fed chocolate biznatches.

Who was more popular in America than Saddam Hussein?! He was the BOMB! AHYUK HYUK!

So Barrack Hussein Obama was born. He actually has like, 6 other middle names but he sold them in the election to Hilary so she would drop out and stop throwing anti-gun stickers at babies- but that is a story for another day!

The days went by in that stolen car, Obama's bald head flapping in the wind like old granny fat folds in a fan. The money was gone. The last drop of watermelon-flavored fanta drank. He needed a job.

DATZ WHEN IT HIT HIM.

He could run for president- rule the world's most self-proclaimed powerful country. So he grabbed his dolla dolla sign bling and headed up to the big white house.

"Salutations, our fellow American!" the people in the white house said. "How do you do on this fine day? What do you need from us?"

"Yo, chigga wigga woo woo!" Obama cried. "I'm a brutha who needs to be a prez, get what I'm sayin word yo?"

The super whiteys were so shocked at this that they tried to dance, which resulted in several thousand people committing suicide at the sight of their honkey legs flailing about like that.

"Oh no no no no no!" cried to whiteys. "You cannot just do that, my friend! Why, golly, you have to have experience, you silly man!"

Obama pimp slapped that shit and said, "Beyotches I'll get to be da prez without experience. Tell yo muthas I said word."

Several muthas received words later that day. There were no survivors.

Now fully charged and determined to win, Drama Obama drove off into the sunset, mowing down some mowing Mexicans after he was almost hit by an old Asian in her tiny American made crappy car. She sent out her ninjas after him but he challenged them to a dance off and used his dark powers (if you know what I mean) to beat them off (if you know what I mean) and get the hell out of there (if you spinach what I French).

He figured that in order to reach the top he'd have to take a small step. So ruling a state wouldn't be too hard. He took charge of Illinois, which is kind of like Michigan but it's not shaped like a glove. It's kind of shaped like a rectangle with little feet at the bottom and a horrid, horrid growth bulging out of the side. Illinois should probably go get that checked out. The cancerous tumor is probably from all the republicans- I mean whaaaaaattt! Think fast. Think Abreva.

So he seized Illinois like a pimp slappin' a ho then reelin' her in. He probably made some really unfair and retarded laws but no one noticed because he was hidden like a shadow (if you know what I black mean).

But dat was only the beginning, ho, so sit cho ass down or I'll smack dat.

GRAB YOUR FLUX CAPACITORS, WE'RE SKIPPING TO THE FUTURE!

Trauma Obama took hold of the podiums and screwed them into submission like a brotha should. He shadowed over the other presidential nominees like a giant black cloud (if black you black what I black). Hilary and McCaine were his hoes. That one religious guy was his gimp. Nader bent over and took it like the dog down the street. And everyone was more frustrated than I get when I watch House- I mean, what is up with the women on that show, they're all completely retarded! They should get back in the kitchen.

Time passed. Ballads were filled. Boobies were sexy.

And the winner of the prezident e(r)lection was

HEY HOLD UP BRUDDAS WE GOTTA ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

Obama Testimonials

"I voted for Chronic Obama because I like big ears!"

Joey, 32 from California

"I wanted to vote for Nader, but my mother already hates me!"

FruFru, 29 from Tennessee

"Lambs!"

Farfignoogen, 87 from Washington

"Yo n word I voted for the big B-O because I got bad BO and I want everyone to have pride in BO!"

Killer Ice Pick, 22 from New York (da hood)

"I voted for Obama because that's what this nation needs. He's well educated and means well for us. Sure, he doesn't have that much experience but he has a lifetime to get the experience he needs. I voted for Obama because he cares about the issues and wants to fix this country in our time of economic ruin.

Disregard that, I suck cocks."

Douchebag 69, Douchebagville

We may never know who really wins...but we're going to assume that obama did anyway.

I pledge allegiance
to the hoes
in the United Crack Canes of Amerika
And to da starwars republic
For which is stands
One black nation
unda brotha
indivizibabableannian
with liberty and justice for

MAMA OBAMA.}